Blog From America 6 (Twenty Questions at breakfast)

Went out for breakfast yesterday morning. Decided on the eggs which came with a choice of bacon or sausage plus several extras. The conversation with the waitress went something like this...

Waitress: Good morning, sir. How are you today?
Me: I’m very well, thank you.

Would you like one of our specials today?
No, thank you. Just one of your regular breakfasts.

Al-right-ee. Which one can I get for you?
I’ll like this option here, please (pointing to menu).

Very good, sir. Tea or coffee?
Tea, please.

Milk or lemon?
Lemon, please.

Juice?
No, thank you.

Sausages or bacon?
Sausages (Unspoken: And please bring it quick as I'm getting rather hungry).

Link or patty?
I’m not sure I understand. (Unspoken: I wish I did understand as I'm sure I'd get my breakfast quicker if I did)
Would you like link sausages, or shaped like patties?
(Somewhat bewildered) Oh, do they taste different from each other?
No, sir. They're just shaped different.
(Reminded of Fawlty Towers and wondered if they also did Mickey Mouse shape, or amphibious landing craft shape sausages) Well, links I suppose.

How do you want your eggs?
Fried, please (Unspoken: Would having them raw make it any quicker?)

Over easy, basted, sunny side up?
I beg your pardon?
Your eggs, sir. How would you them?
Er, well, soft enough to dip my toast in.

Do you want all the egg whites cooked through?
Yes, please.

Home fries or hash browns.
Hash browns, please.

Would you like some sliced tomato on the side?
No, thank you (about to faint with hunger).

Biscuits or toast?
Toast, please (inwardly groaning at this stage, with the waitress wondering why I am grating my teeth).

Wheat, wholegrain, sourdough, rye or white?
Sorry?
The bread for your toast, sir.
Oh, er, could you repeat the options, please?
Certainly. Wheat, wholegrain, sourdough, rye or white?
Rye, please.

Very good, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?
(Unspoken: Yes, my breakfast) Tabasco, please.

Is that all?
Er, yes.

Thank you, sir. Be sure to let me know if you need anything else or want to play Twenty Questions again (actually I made that last bit up).

During the meal I was also asked at least twice if everything was alright or if I needed anything. Thankfully I hadn’t ordered the bottomless cup of coffee as I’m quite sure this would have added a further three of four exchanges with the waitress seeking to refill my cup during the course of breakfast.

The above is not untypical in some restaurants specialising in breakfast. (It reminded me of Fawlty Towers, you know, the Kipper and the Corpse episode, and I fully expected her to ask me, “What would you like your breakfast table made fro: oak, mahogany, teak?"

Fortunately, the breakfast arrived in just a couple of minutes (honest), the whole order correct, and it was excellent. A far cry from the sawdust sausage roll (even though I’d asked for a bacon roll) slammed on my table at London airport by a growling waitress who had clearly just had a row on her mobile 'phone with her boyfriend. Cheaper, too. Of the two experiences I know which one I'd prefer.